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Trying to be a better man… that’s cheesy but it’s true…

I’m trying to be a better man, a better person and a better potential boyfriend. I’m seeing some one now and I’m trying to be some one that’s good for them. I’m removing distractions, changing how I act and none of it is in a negative way.

I’m legitimately trying to be a better person because they inspire me to be. I want to be what they deserve and that’s keeping me going. It’s a great motivation to continue on with the progress I’ve been making over the past few years and now for the first time in a long time I’m really happy…

Thank God It’s Not Me!

My Ex from years ago found me today and I was shocked by her life. She knows I write about everything and I told her I’d be writing about this, and while it upset her she knew I had to be honest. 

My feelings about this girl are confusing. I was a horribly distant boyfriend to her and while I liked her, I don’t know that I ever loved her, which makes me feel all that much more like an ass hole because I slept with her, and a lot. I would say “I love you” but looking back I don’t think there was ever a time where I really meant it. I loved what she provided for me, which was a gigantic ego boost. She was a generous and gracious lover and a good friend but I wasn’t and for that I am sorry.

What I’m not sorry about is that I’m not with her now, because her life is so upside down and twisted that I can’t even recognize her as the same person. I don’t mean that in a physical way. I look at her life and I can’t believe that in the few years since we broke up that she got to where she is.

Shortly after we broke up she got pregnant from another guy. Like a few months. Literally a year after we broke up she was giving birth to her first daughter. She moved out of the state at that point and in with yet another boyfriend who gave her yet another kid, this time a son. 

She broke up with that boyfriend who fought for custody of both children, even though one had no genetic ties to him whatsoever, and won. Now she’s recently married to yet another guy and has two more children, twin girls. 

What makes it so odd is that she’s still in her early 20s. We dated when I was 23 and she was 19. And now I’m 29 and she’s 25 and she has four children, but if you asked her how many she has, she’d tell you two. 

She’s completely given up trying to be a mother to her first two children, and they’re old enough to talk and one of them is going to school. She’s just restarted her life with two new children like the other two didn’t exist. Her facebook profile says “I’m a mother of two twins” with no mention or photos of the others anywhere to be seen.

I feel horrible for those two other kids. To have their mother not even try to be there and to instead pour all her love and attention into her new family and new husband (who got married in a white t-shirt by the way).

I’m lucky it wasn’t me. I’m lucky that I got out, that I wasn’t there for the twist… but I’ll always wonder if how I treated her… how I was a horrible boyfriend… I’ll always wonder if I was the cause. 

Just followed a bunch of people from Portland..

Being new here, I wanted to find some people who have similar interests… so if you’re seeing this, wondering who I am, I’m just a DJ from your area who is looking for cool people to hang out with. Cool? cool.

Batman & Guns…

I’m not writing to capitalize on what’s happened in the past 24 hours. That’s not the kind of person I am. I’m more just trying to get my feelings out and discuss how I feel about Batman as a character, what these past three films mean and how impactful they are on the public or could be. 

There are a few legitimately strong lessons in Nolan’s Batman films and the strongest of which is “Why do we fall? So we can teach ourselves to stand back up.” This is a theme that resonates through the entire trilogy. With Bruce falling with the death of his parents and Batman standing in his place, then Batman falling so that the reputation of a good yet twisted man may stand up, and then Gordon falling for the same reasons as Batman, but morally feeling broken. This is a lesson not only of self reliance but of relying on other people to help you when you need them. 

The second biggest theme is Batman’s disgust for guns. They ruined his life when one took his parents, then the love of his life is disgusted at him for even thinking that a gun could solve his problems when he wants to murder Joe Chill, and then, while stretching the idea further, he refuses to even kill with a sword when ordered to by Ras Al Ghul. 

Even in the sequel, The Dark Knight, Batman has a chance to shoot The Joker or at least run him down on the Batpod and doesn’t do it, nearly killing himself in the process.

Batman and Bruce Wayne’s stance against using guns has been criticized by readers of the character over the decades and while Batman used guns when he started it’s been a sticking point that he not use them. From The Dark Knight Returns, Batman snaps a rifle in half and states, “THIS is the weapon of the ENEMY. We do not NEED it. We will not USE it.” and “A gun is a coward’s weapon. A liar’s weapon. We kill too often because we’ve made it easy… too easy… sparing ourselves the mess and the work.”

In the Dark Knight Rises there are multiple instances where characters have issues with guns including Batman who tells Selena Kyle (Catwoman) not to use a gun, Joseph Gordon Levitt’s character John Blake not liking the results of defending himself with deadly force and more. There’s a joke involving a character being killed with brutal fire power that undermines the message for the sake of a big laugh, but it fits the tone of the film.

So we have this message through Batman’s history. This idea that we can be above guns, that we don’t need them to solve our problems and yes there are grey areas with Batman using guns in his past but that’s not the current message of the character…

The most impacting moment for me involving this topic came over a decade ago and involved the first 5 minutes of Batman Beyond. Batman is an older man and when trying to stop a kidnapping/ransom he holds a gun to a criminal and that’s when he knew that he couldn’t be Batman anymore. He had to hang up his cowl and go into retirement. You can watch that clip HERE.

I’m not trying to make a point about gun laws or politicize what happened in Colorado with this post. I feel horrible for the people involved and hurt by what one man did. I do feel that the man should pay. The deaths of 14 people is a huge deal and I understand that a lot of people don’t feel safe this weekend. The movie theater is supposed to be one of the safest places in the world and when that safety is torn away and we’re left with the horrible actions of one person ruining the lives of dozens, it’s hard to comprehend. 

I feel like I needed to get this all out on the table because these are the ideas rattling around inside my head right now. I sat through 9 hours of Batman films and the two lessons that I pulled away are in direct contradiction with what one awful man did and I think that says something. I think those ideas of falling and getting back up, and guns are powerful and that they mean something. What? I don’t know. Maybe we’ll find out in the coming weeks. 

Was I Too Mean?

I’m very flattered when people praise the writing I’ve done in reviews, news articles or podcasts. I’ve had plenty of people tell me they love my live streaming channel on Twitch or even this blog… and I’m especially flattered when they ask me to work with them.

Last night I went out to see The Avengers and wrote a review about it where my last two or three paragraphs were about the D-Box motion code (which is the best to date). A kid emailed me and asked me if I wanted to come write for his site. I was flattered that some one would want my work showcased. 

 So I go to this kid’s site and I look and I’m just not into it. The idea of the site is to review theatrical D-Box movie experiences. The problem is this… D-Box movies only come out once a month. Maybe I should explain D-Box here?

D-Box is a seat that is installed in a movie theater (or at home for quite a lot of cash) that moves in time and with the motions of what’s being acted on the screen. You feel big explosions and shakes, gun fire and action. The seat sways with flying scenes and shifts from side to side during car chases. It really does put you in the movie in that you are literally feeling what everyone on the screen is. It’s rather impressive. Ok back to the story.

This kid Chris wants me to write for his site but he goes about it the wrong way saying that he’s not interested in making money and that he’s not a good writer and believe me it really shows. It’s great to want to have an idea and to try and execute it and when you have an idea but don’t have the talent to execute it you take that idea to people that do and direct them to push your vision into the world. I’ve done that in the past, I’m relying on a lot of people to help me with my documentary project and I understand that it’s part of business… but when you say “I’m not interested in making money” then you lose me. Why should I want to work if this is never going to pay off? Especially when it’s clear that I’ll be doing most of the work.

I laid all of this out on the line very clearly. I stated that I wouldn’t be interested because the site is incredibly rough and I don’t really want to put my name on a site that looks like that. I also stated that I don’t think D-Box is ever the most important part of a D-Box experience. Tackle the movie as a whole first and then talk about how D-Box enhances or detracts from the experience. The film is the heart. If it’s weak D-Box tech can only do so much to bring it to life. 

I continued on saying that it’s never good to tell people that you’re not interested in making money, especially when D-Box is such a high cost experience. In order to see a 3D and D-Box feature you’re spending 20 bucks easily on just one seat. That’s quite the investment in time and money. Right away every time I write something for this kid (who didn’t even include his last name or his history of working in journalism, criticism or anything) is expecting me to pay for my movie, drive 30 minutes to see the movie, and then review it for him… and not pay me, not give me money to pay for the ticket… nothing. I’m not hip to that.

But was I mean or was I refocusing this kid? I think I might have been by telling him that the site in general is a bad idea, and it is. Explaining to people why a D-Box movie is or isn’t a good investment is great but the problem is, D-Box movies only come out once a month, so trying to keep people on your site doesn’t do anything. Making a D-Box article a feature of a much larger site on the other hand is smart. It brings them in, they see it, and maybe they find something else that keeps them coming back.

Our podcast for instance is once a week but we want to move to twice a week so people have twice the reason to come to the site. Having one article a month that’s a review of a single movie? Nobody is going to care. They might find your site but they might forget the next day and never come back. You have to have a reason for people to want to be on your site all the time.

Maybe I was just stern… overly so? Maybe. I don’t know. But it’s bothered me all day. Maybe I should really wake up and get some food in me before I respond to emails.